


Before We Fall To Pieces

by wreckofherheart



Series: White [2]
Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 10:19:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2188089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wreckofherheart/pseuds/wreckofherheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two bullets. Two shots. Two dead men. Piper's love for Alex weighs at a heavy cost. [Sequel to White - Alex/Piper]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You must have read White (up to the end of chapter 10 at least), in order to understand this story. If you haven't read White, then search for it on my profile, and then come back to this one. This is an alternative storyline after chapter 10, and is, by no means, a lighter story than its predecessor.

**1.**

* * *

 

( _Effortlessly, I feel my soul slipping away. My sanity fading, my morality twisting, and when I look up all I see is blood. Death, and all its friends, grinning at me. I want to scream. I want to scream, run, run far away, but my feet are plastered to the ground. My body is immobile. I can't swallow, I can't breathe, I can't blink. All I can do is stare, stare at the damage, stare at hell, stare into the eyes of a dead man I shot seconds ago_ ––)

Footsteps. Frantic. Two warm hands hold either side of her face, and Piper can feel Alex's heartbeat against her chest when she holds her. It's a brief embrace. Rushed. Alex is panicking. Shaking. Tears are pooling in her wonderful, green eyes and Piper's heart breaks. The gun falls from her hand, and she gasps, stepping back when Alex turns away. She watches her kneel down to Felix's body, press two fingers to where his pulse should be. Feels nothing. Alex stands, pushes her glasses higher up the bridge of her nose, looks at Piper.

It's a second. A split second when Piper sees fear. For a split second, Alex is scared of Piper. But the terror doesn't last; she comes back to her senses. Remembers who Piper is, remembers she is no killer, that the blood on her hands doesn't belong there. Alex is the bad one here. Alex is the evil, twisted psychopath. Not Piper. Piper is innocent, she has always been innocent. She is good, and she has always been good. Her family have seen her as the good child, the favourite. Alex comes forward, Piper shudders, lets Alex pick up the gun at her feet.

( _Hold me. Tell me I'm not a bad person._ )

Alex stuffs the gun into the waist of her trousers. Passes Piper her bag. Piper moves, takes it. Stops breathing. Watches her, wide eyed. Her eyes are so blue, so bright. They pause, gaze on each other undisturbed, until Alex speaks. 'We got to go.' Her voice is trembling, she's whispering; she's scared, and when she grabs Piper's hand, pulls her to the door, Piper doesn't want her to let go. In this moment, Piper will go anywhere with Alex. Go absolutely anywhere, she doesn't care. She doesn't care; she just wants to leave, to never look back, to vanish.

The snow bites her flesh. Piper hates the darkness, but, right now, she is grateful for the lack of light. They can't be seen, and she doesn't want to know who heard the gunshots. Two bullets. Only minutes apart. One to the head. The other to the throat. Luck. Pure luck. Piper has never shot in her life; it was luck, it was fucking unfortunate good luck. ( _I am no killer, I am no killer, I am no killer, oh Gods, oh Gods, Alex, what have I done?_ ) Suddenly Alex halts, pulls out her mobile, types a speedy text. Then she lets go of Piper's hand. Walks away, presses the phone to her ear. Piper stands there, still wide eyed, still shaking, and she nearly calls out when Alex starts to move a little  _too_  far away for her liking. However, Alex spins on her heel, returns, and then she's pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth. She's speaking quietly, calmly, to whoever is on the other end of the phone.

After a couple of minutes, Alex hangs up. Piper wants to speak, wants to talk to her, wants to hold her, wants to kiss her; she wants so many things, but she's paralysed. Clinging to the bag, pressing it against her chest, staring ahead, eyes wide, breathing quickly, too fast. Alex is quiet, and this frightens Piper. She looks at her, looks away, looks at her again, but Alex is still, waiting, staring down the road, waiting, waiting, waiting. Tears threaten to pour from Piper's eyes, but she forces them back. She can't cry. She has no right to cry.

( _I am a killer_.)

Then she hears it. A car. Skidding on the turn, and zooming in their direction. It's a black car, small, camouflage. Alex suddenly grabs Piper's hand, hears the blonde gasp in surprise, and drags her to the edge of the curb. The car breaks harshly right before them. A woman steps out. Fiery red hair, trailing down her shoulders, dark eyes, tall. She glances at Piper, then Alex. She doesn't look at Piper again. 'You've fucked up big this time, Vause.'

'Be a fucking hassle to me when I have time, yeah? Just do what I'm paying you to do.' The redhead shakes her head, but doesn't argue. Alex looks at Piper. 'Go with her. I'll meet you shortly.'

'What?' Finally, Piper finds her voice. She doesn't recognise it. 'Alex?'

'Just do it.' Alex pulls at her arm. 'Trust me.'

'Don't–– Don't do this––'

'Piper,  _stop fucking around_. I know what I'm doing.'

She's angry. So fucking angry. Piper's worst fears have been realised. Alex may as well have slapped her across the face. It's enough to make Piper yank herself out of Alex's grip and walk towards the redhead. No one says a word. Piper scowls when the redhead grasps the collar of her blouse, opens the passenger seat door, and literally pushes her in. Mentally, Piper swears at her, calls her a "bitch". Frantically, she turns, looks out of the other window to see Alex. But she isn't watching her. Her eyes are on the redhead, and the two women share a look, a knowing one, as if secretly agreeing to a gamble, before the redhead slips into the car, starts the ignition and drives away.

The moment Alex is gone, Piper realises how alone she is. She looks at the other woman, who sits with her back straight, shoulders rolled back, unnerved. Her eyebrows are raised slightly, and there's a sense of professionalism behind her posture. It doesn't take long for Piper to gather she's done this many times before. She's used to fleeing, or helping criminals flee, escape the country to find safety. And she looks bored, impatient; she would rather be doing something else.

Darkness floods the atmosphere. Piper leans back in her seat, watches the houses and street lamps go past in a blur. She inhales. Tries to calm down. But she's fucking scared. She's just shot  _two men dead_ , and now Alex has abandoned her? What the fuck? What the  _fuck_  is going on? Piper is suddenly raging, hating the woman sitting beside her, looking so tedious and cold. She hates how allowing Alex back into her life has ruined her future  _again_. Everything is tumbling down, everything is  _fucked up_  all because of Alex, all because she wants Alex.

( _Why do you keep doing this to me?_ )

'Calm down.'

Piper whips her head around to face the redhead, frowns at her.

Despite her aggressive tone towards Alex, the woman's voice is gentle and warm towards Piper, and the blonde immediately feels more repulse towards her. Because even though Alex is destroying her life, she still feels protective over her. Still feels as if she should defend Alex against anyone who so much as lays a finger on her. How weak. Piper is so fucking weak.

'Don't tell me to be calm,' Piper retorts, but her shaky voice betrays her. 'I have no idea what's going on, so don't tell me to be calm.'

The redhead cocks a brow. 'Hm. She forgot to mention you were feisty.'

 _She_. 'Her name's Alex.'

A grin. 'Oh. How cute. You're trying to defend your girlfriend's honour.' She shakes her head, and the grin falls. 'If you hadn't met her, you wouldn't be in this shit, sweetie.'

 _Sweetie_. Piper clenches her jaw. 'And my name's  _Piper_.'

'Okay. Well, my name is Rachel. Nice to meet you,  _Piper_. Before you bring out your claws, just know that I'm doing you a fucking favour here. Alex owes me. Big time, and not just for this. So watch your fucking mouth, or I'll kick you out of the car. And I don't give a shit if Alex fires me, beats me, threatens me –– I'll just do it.' And Piper believes her. There isn't a doubt in her tone, no quiver, no pretence. This woman tells the truth, and she delivers it bluntly without any fear. She's tougher than Alex, edgier, and there's a bite in her voice.

Obediently, Piper is quiet, but she's still angry, and she isn't sure what she's angry about. So many things have happened in so little time, and she hasn't had a moment to collect her thoughts. She just can't believe Alex left her like that, yelled at her, told her to stop fucking around when Piper had every reason to fuck around. And how dare Alex be angry at her? How fucking  _dare_  she scold her? Piper swallows, holds the bag tighter.

( _I can still see his face, his surprise. As soon as the bullet went through his neck, I saw everything he was hiding. I saw so many emotions: fear, anger, disappointment and even innocence. Then he fell back, crumpled up against the wall, wide eyed. To think if I had been a second later, less than a second late, he would have shot me––_ )

'We're nearly here.'

( _––I shot him._ )

The car pulls into a driveway.

( _I_ _ **shot**_ _two men_.)

Rachel turns off the ignition.

( _I've killed._ )

A hand rests on Piper's shoulder. She looks at the redhead. 'You coming in or what?'

It's a stupid question. Piper doesn't have a choice. The ground beneath her feels unstable as she follows Rachel out of the car, towards the small house ahead. It looks normal, like any other home, with a small garden. Snow crunches beneath her shoes. Piper peers over her shoulder, then to the door. Rachel stabs her key into the lock, turns, lets Piper in. The blonde can smell perfume, the type of perfume her mother wears, and it makes her ache. Makes the guilt come rushing, but she has to ignore the guilt, she has to ignore it all.

Rachel guides Piper to a room on the left. It's a lounge. A settee at one end, a TV opposite, a computer is switched off on the desk. A few paintings on the walls. No photographs. Piper sits down, tense, still clinging to the bag. Rachel pulls out her mobile, leaves the room, and starts talking to someone on the other end in a different language. Piper's head is fuzzy, her mind is numb; she can't decipher what language Rachel is speaking.

( _The paintings are ugly, yet strangely appealing. The house is too clean. Rachel lives alone. I want my heart to stop beating so fast; it's beginning to hurt. I want to stand up, I want to grab Rachel by the scruff of her collar, and demand what's going on. Suddenly, I don't care about Alex's whereabouts. Suddenly, I think –– fuck you. Fuck you for leaving me,_ _ **again**_ _. Fuck you for making me clean up your shit again. Like your errand girl._ )

Suddenly the doorbell rings. Piper stiffens, turns to the doorway as she watches Rachel walk past. The door opens. A man greets her, steps inside. 'Is she here?' This is a different voice. Piper jumps to her feet, drops the bag, approaches the doorway. Rachel hears her, looks in her direction, faces the speaker, 'Yeah, she's here. What, did you think I'd ditch her?'

Piper sees the man first. He's dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and she doesn't recognise him. His brown eyes catch sight of her, trail down her appearance, but he quickly loses interest and proceeds past. Piper hears the other voice again, 'Knowing you, I wouldn't be surprised. You have a knack for changing your mind last minute––'

'Fuck  _off_ , Vause.'

( _And, just like that, the anger fades. My energy weakens, and the ground cracks. My insides tighten, and my heart pace quickens. I flush. I tremble, and I desperately barge past Rachel, my hands reaching out to grab Alex's top. I don't see her face. I press myself against her, hold her so fucking tight, and feel her arms wrap around my waist, feel her hand rub my back, but Alex is talking again. Her eyes are on Rachel, not me, and she's still mad_.)

'Did you contact him?'

'Of course,' Rachel snaps.

Then, to Piper's horror, Alex's arms slip from her body and she comes closer to Rachel. 'I have an hour.  _We_  have an hour. So fucking do what you can to change Piper's appearance. I don't care what you do, just get it done.'

'You know, you can be such a bitch.' Rachel sneers at her. 'Since when did you give a crap about your girlfriends? Certainly struggled when it came to me.'

Piper nearly flinches. She stares at the two. Then it all makes perfect sense.

'I don't give a shit,' Alex responds, and brushes past her, following the man she walked in with to a separate room. Piper wants to catch her, but one look at Rachel forces her to stay put. There's envy in Rachel's eyes, a new form of hatred, and Piper glares back.

Rachel exhales. 'Come on.'

Surprisingly, her voice is gentle. Piper follows her up the staircase, but doesn't soften her expression. Rachel pulls her into a bedroom. A twin bed in the centre, multiple colourful cushions on top, and a lavish red quilt. A drawer, polished wood, the surface stacked with makeup. And a desk, folders and paperwork atop. Rachel starts searching through her drawers, her wardrobe, retrieving different clothes, then a box on the high shelf.

When Rachel looks at her again, the jealousy is still there, but there's sympathy too. 'You don't have long. Just do what I tell you to, and you'll be fine.'

( _I remember the way she kissed me, before I left. How she comforted me and told me everything would be fine; that she'd meet me in Brussels, and we'd go from there. I remember her arm around my waist, her hand pressed against my breast, how she held me possessively, as if I was all hers. I **was**  all hers. Every part of me was hers, and she had no idea. By the time I left the hotel, I was already sweating, already breathing frantically, already panicking, already hating myself. And I wanted to run, I wanted to run. I just wanted to run away_.)

That's all Piper thinks about. The very same fear, the panic, the dread.

And the sheer will to do anything Alex asks. To follow her to hell and back, even if it ruins everything she's lived for.

* * *

 

Their fake passports are already done. Alex pays the man, but he doesn't leave just yet. 'For now, you must stay in Finland. It's a fucking long trip, but as long as you do what you're supposed to, you should be fine. This is the first plane I could get you tickets for, so if you don't like Finland, then tough.'

Alex glances at her passport, then Piper's. She reads their temporary names. 'Cecilia Brooks and Diane Ashby.' She raises her brows. 'Classy.'

'Save your jokes for your girlfriend.' He pockets the cash Alex handed him. 'You get caught, Vause, then you're on your own. Your crazy girl shot two people dead, and fuck knows if your boss is going to be chasing your tail too.'

'Thanks. I wasn't aware of that. Tell me more.'

He stares at her bluntly, rolls his eyes. 'Whatever. Be on that plane in forty minutes.' With that, he leaves the room and she hears the front door slam shut behind him. The silence starts to creep its away into Alex's mind, makes her worry again, but she knows exactly what she's supposed to do. Alex grabs a shopping bag she brought to the house with her, and enters Rachel's downstairs bathroom. Inside, she wets her hair with the tap, retrieves the hair dye from the bag and squirts it onto her palms. It's easy business, stuff she's done before.

After fifteen minutes, Alex's black hair is blonde, and she doesn't like the colour. She doesn't like bright colours, but, right now, she can't complain. Alex removes her makeup, applies a faint eyeshadow, red lipstick. Then, she stuffs her glasses into the shopping bag, before chucking it into the bin. Two contact lenses delicately rest on the sink's basin. Alex hates contact lenses. She winces when putting in the first, and then the next.

Done.

Just as she leaves the bathroom, she spots Rachel coming down the stairs. Alex turns her attention to Piper who follows behind. She's wearing cut jeans, black top and leather jacket. The brunette wig almost looks natural. Alex retrieves Piper's passport, and passes it over, 'Your name is Diane Ashby, and if anyone asks, you're travelling to Finland to meet your family. Your sister has just had a baby. Work on your accent. You should be fine.'

Piper is watching her silently, and Alex can't read her expression. She doesn't know if Piper is in awe at the blonde hair, the contact lenses, or the fact Alex has just shoved a fake passport into her hands. Whatever it is, Alex is not willing to waste more time to ponder. She looks at Rachel, and from the corner of her eyes she sees Piper stiffen when she does.

'Take her to the airport.'

'Why aren't you tagging along?' Rachel asks, but she's already heading for the door.

'Because Piper and I can't be seen together. I'm not risking anything.'

Rachel cocks a brow, but more out of snide than anything. 'Fine, whatever. I'll get the car ready.' She doesn't look at Piper, doesn't want to, and leaves without looking back.

When Alex catches Piper's gaze, it's a mistake. Suddenly she's overwhelmed with so many emotions she can't grasp a hold of; she doesn't know what to do with herself, doesn't know what to say, and it's horrible how distant Piper feels. Alex can barely fathom what she's thinking, feeling. She's still terrified from when Felix nearly shot Piper, she can still see the gun aimed at her, she can still see it all happening, and she can't handle it.

Piper nearly died. Because of her.

How the fuck can Alex handle that?

'You have to switch planes at Oslo. Meet me there.'

'Alex––'

'We have to take separate planes, so I may be a little delayed meeting you. Don't wait for too long, though. If I'm not there in half an hour, stop waiting. Get the next plane and you'll be in Helsinki. A friend of mine will meet you there.'

'Alex, I––'

'Don't make a scene. Don't make yourself noticeable. Act calm, and... Piper, just don't fuck up.'

' _Alex_!'

'We can talk when we're in Finland. Just go get in the car.'

Piper stares at her, out of breath. Her lungs feel heavy. 'Don't leave me.' Alex pinches the bridge of her nose, sighs heavily. 'Don't you fucking leave me.' Finally, Piper feels a few tears trickle down her cheeks, but she roughly wipes them away. 'I don't want you to leave me––'

'Stop it!' Alex grabs her by the shoulders, and shakes her. 'Piper,  _stop it_! I'm not leaving you. I'm  _not_  going to leave you. But you can't lose it. You can't start to lose it  _now_. I  _need_  you to do this. Please, do this. We'll be in Finland before you know it.'

'You'll meet me in Oslo.' It's not a choice. Piper isn't making this a choice. 'I need to know you haven't been caught. I need to know you're still fucking alive.'

'I wasn't the one who had a gun pointed at my face.' Alex's lower lip quivers, and Piper feels as if she's been hit with a ton of bricks. It occurs to her Alex isn't angry at her, she isn't frustrated with her. She's just angry at the situation, angry that she nearly lost Piper. 'You're not the only one who's going to be freaking out, so just do what I've told you. The first plane takes around seven hours, and you'll arrive in Oslo. Are you getting this?'

'Yes.'

'You then get on the plane to Helsinki. That should take around an hour and a half.'

'Then what?'

Alex kisses her. It's a brief, but urgent kiss, and Piper feels her knees weaken. She kisses her back, grabs at her top, but Alex is already pulling away. She has to pry Piper's fingers off her, 'I don't know yet. I'm pretty much making this up as I go along.'

'Fuck.'

'Exciting, right?'

' _Fuck_.'

'Piper, go. I'll be with you again soon.'

And she goes. Piper clings onto the last moment she has with her, before pulling her bag over her shoulder and leaving. The snow has stopped falling, but the chill is unwelcoming, makes her teeth chatter. Rachel is waiting in the car, and she says nothing as Piper falls into the passenger seat, cold tears staining her cheeks. As the car drives away, Piper leans back against her seat, holds her bag close to her, and begs, begs, begs that wasn't the last time.

( _... just come back, come back to me again_.)

Begs that Alex will keep her promise, and meet Piper on the other side.


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

* * *

 

When she reloads the gun, Alex thinks of her.

Piper. She thinks of the first day they met; thinks of her before everything began.

The Smiths graduate. Eager to please. Wonderful.

Stupid.

And those eyes. Eyes filled with promise and hope, innocence. From the very start, Alex was wrapped in her chains. Nearly a decade has passed, and she's still trapped.

* * *

 

The flight is her intermission. A seven hour long intermission. She has a window seat, but the view is flooded in darkness. The man sitting beside her has already fallen asleep. He's dressed in a suit, hair combed back. Smart. Clearly relaxed enough to rest. Piper envies him. Dearly. For a while, she wishes she is him. Travelling on a plane to Oslo, probably a family waiting for him back home, a good, loving family who have normal days, go to normal schools, have normal jobs. He comes home to a wife who smiles and greets him when he returns, and she's not hiding a gun in her jacket, she's not playing games.

She's honest and normal and perfect. Dinner is waiting for him on the table, and they talk about normal stuff, normal, boring stuff that is so irrelevant. There are no drugs, no criminals, no deceptive, cruel girlfriends. No blood, or guns, or murder. No running away. He has a wife back home who he can hold, love and see every day. He doesn't have a wife who fucks with his mind, he doesn't have a wife who keeps breaking his heart over and over again. He doesn't have a wife who shoves him into cars with strangers, and he doesn't have a wife who demands he get on a plane to nowhere. He doesn't have a wife who is guilty.

Looking down at her shaking hands, Piper tries to remain calm. The last time she felt like this was when she agreed to help Alex deliver a suitcase full of money to Paris. She can't believe this is happening all over again. She had ran away from Alex, ran far away from her, only to be captured in her claws again, seduced and deceived. ( _I keep coming back to you, I just keep coming back to you. You're a virus, so infectious and harmful. And yet I keep coming back to you. I keep coming back to you, and I keep falling for you over and over. It doesn't stop_.)

And, yet, that  _fear_  in Alex's eyes is scarring. Piper will never,  _ever_  forget the way Alex looked at her when she shot Felix. Never forget the way Alex turned to her, stopped short, flinched, because for a moment, she was terrified of what Piper was turning into. Terrified at the damage she had caused on the woman. Piper stiffens, covers her hand with her mouth, and scrunches her eyes closed. She can't forget how frightened and angry she was when Alex pushed her into Rachel's hands. The way she did it was so cold, uncaring. The way she spoke to Piper –– ' _Stop fucking around_!' –– still makes Piper's heart lurch, still makes her want to vomit.

When the tears start to sting, when her throat aches from holding back a cry, Piper is ashamed to realise she's not crying because of the familiar situation she's in. She wants to cry for Alex, because whatever that  _stupid_  woman does, she always causes problems for herself. She wants to cry for Alex, because in trying to help Piper, she only made things worse. She wants to cry for Alex because no matter what Alex does, she always fucks up. And Piper loves her. Loves these pathetic, horrible things about Alex; loves her unconditionally. In a way, she always has. Even when Larry was the centre of everything, Alex still lingered. Alex was always.  _Is_  always.

Piper clenches her fists. Inhales sharply.

( _What am I doing?_ )

The wig is making her hot, but Piper knows better than to remove it. She doesn't dare take off her jacket either. She's the errand girl again; obeying her lady's orders, making her proud. Piper has been so desperate to make the people she cares about proud. Glancing out of the window, she curses under her breath, and it's a curse directed at Alex.

( _You'd better be fucking proud of me now._ )

Each hour that passes feels like a year. Piper starts to fidget, her scalp is itchy, and when she looks up to watch a passenger walk down the aisle, her heart stops––

( _––Boyish face. Smirking weakly to himself. Short hair. He catches my eye, and his smirk broadens, and it's friendly, kind. I don't smile back. I stare at him, shudder at who he reminds me of. He's a mirror image of the man I shot less than six hours ago. When he's gone, I fall back against my seat, exhale heavily, close my eyes. I'm scared. So fucking scared. My heart is too heavy, racing too fast, pounding in my ears. I can feel my makeup melting from the sweat forming across my forehead, and, more than anything, I want to yank off this fucking wig. But, my desire to keep going is stronger, and I tell myself again and again: this is worth it, this is right. Trust her. Trust that bitch you fucking love so much, you waste of sperm_.)

Quiet chatter. Piper turns her head, looks past the man sleeping next to her. Two women are seated a few spaces ahead, and while they talk, they smile and laugh, and push each other playfully. It's far too normal, far too taunting. Piper swallows, wisely decides to just stare out of the window at a blank view. What disturbs her is that, even though she keeps being thrown in Alex's shit, they can still be like those two women: normal, laughing and talking about nothing.

Three hours left.

Piper slips down her seat, sighs. Misses her.

* * *

 

Finally, the plane lands. Piper feels dizzy and detached from everything around her. She's silent as she walks with the crowd, hands in her fake passport, and continues onwards. Her expression stoic, practised, forced. Yet inside she's screaming, screaming for help, help from some God she doesn't even believe in. Piper glances at the clock, checks the time of her next plane. Half an hour. Wait for Alex for half an hour, then go.

She drops the bag at her feet, waits beside a coffee shop. The airport is so empty, it's haunting, eery and she wishes more people were around. She wants to hide. Piper keeps checking the time, balancing from one foot to the other, waiting. ( _Like waiting to die. Like waiting to let death finally release me from this fucked up life of mine_.) Ten minutes pass. She pulls at the sleeve of her leather jacket which smells too much of Rachel. Checks the time. Looks at one of the exits. Checks the time. Considers buying a coffee just to look casual. Checks the time. No, she won't be able to stomach the coffee. Checks the time. Piper can't believe she actually considered buying coffee when she's running from the police. Checks the time. Scratches her earlobe. Checks the time. Sighs.

An officer walks over. Piper tenses, folds her arms, leans against the wall. Glances at him. She can't tell if he's watching her, or ahead. The officer cocks back his chin, keeps walking in her direction, then stops, staring at her. Piper feels the heat in her cheeks rise. The officer moves his head, pulls out a walkie talkie. She can't hear what he's saying, and she watches him, brows narrowed. She's prepared to run if she has to, prepared to get the fuck out of here. She'll just have to meet Alex in Finland, if she ever gets there. The officer finishes speaking, returns his walkie talkie and catches Piper staring. Piper looks away at once.

Then he comes closer, too close, and his voice is heavy, 'You all right?'

'Mm.' Piper bobs her head, doesn't look at him.

'Good.' And, just like that, he walks past, uncaring, bored.

She exhales, relieved. Twenty five minutes have passed. ( _And then I want to see her. I want to see her so much. I need to see her face, even if it's only from a distance. Need to know she's alive. I need, I want, I_ _ **have**_ _to see her. Impatience rises, and I grit my teeth, fucking pissed off. She said she'd be here! She'd said we'd meet here! Had she lied? Is this a trick? A prank? Is Alex still in America, laughing with that whore, Rachel, about what a stupid tit I am? Are those two back together now? All lovey dovey and sorry for everything. Fuck. Fuck Rachel. Fuck Ale_ ––)

The intercom announces the passengers waiting for the plane Piper wants should head to the appropriate area. Piper swears under her breath, scans the waiting room, grabs her bag. Half an hour has passed, and Alex hasn't arrived. Upset, disappointed and angry, Piper rolls her eyes and starts to make her way to her next flight.

Running. Someone's running and catching up to her. Piper's breath catches, and she swivels around, nearly falling back when Alex literally throws herself at her. Immediately all the negative emotions wash away, and Piper beams, so fucking delirious, wrapping her arms around the back of Alex's neck and hugs her so tight, so firmly, she knows she's hurting her, but neither care. But as much as Piper loves this moment, she knows it won't last. She can already feel Alex pulling away, and Piper nearly begs her to not go, begs her to get on the same plane.

But she stops herself. Their eyes meet, and Piper is still shocked by the blonde hair, contact lenses. Alex smiles crookedly, 'Not a bad look, eh?'

'I prefer my Alex.'

The smile drops. It vanishes so fast Piper's heart squeezes. 'Go.'

'I'll see you over there,' Piper says, stepping back, 'Right?'

Alex nods, but doesn't reply. Piper doesn't wait for one. Trembling, breathing heavily, and feeling the happiness drain out of her, Piper walks away. By the time she's left the waiting room, Piper wants to cry, wants to let the tears pour, wants to run back to Alex and hold her again. But she keeps going. She just keeps going.

Once the plane sets off, the corner of Piper's lips twitch upwards. Alex is still alive. And Alex followed her.

For now, that's enough.

* * *

 

Snow. Crunching below her shoes. People. Far too many people. It's late afternoon, but Piper hasn't slept, the timezones are different. Everything is a mess. The airport is crowded, and her hands are shaking as she searches for an empty place to stand in. Apparently, a "friend" of Alex's is meeting her here, but she has no idea who. Clinging to her bag, Piper stays out of the way. She hears people speaking Finnish, doesn't understand them, and every time she sees an officer walk by, she instantly starts panicking.

Alex is nowhere to be seen.

Families hug, couples kiss, and Piper has never hated smiling faces so much.

'Miss Ashby?'

It takes a moment for Piper to realise that's her temporary name. She widens her eyes slightly and turns to who has spoken. A tall, fit man, clean shaven, and smiling warmly at her. He's dressed in jeans and a jumper and she's surprised he has a British accent. Piper nods, 'Yes?'

'Cecelia told me you'd be here.'

Alex.

Piper nearly winces. 'Oh.'

'I'm Max.' She doesn't believe him. 'Come on. Let me take you to your hotel.'

Does he know? Does he have a single clue what's happening? Has Alex told him the details? Does he know he's about to escort a murderess to her hotel? Piper chuckles a little. If Alex were here, she'd be having the time of her life. She'd be holding Piper's hand, smiling, and her eyes would say it all. For Alex, this is just another adventure, another silly episode in her life. For Piper, this is terrifying.

Inside Max's car, Piper starts to relax. Max pulls into the driver's seat, starts the ignition and for the first part of their journey, they're silent. They drive past signs written in Finnish, past so many shops, hotels and houses. The snow is heavy, but the roads are shockingly clear. Piper starts to shiver, the cold finally gets to her. She's only wearing a thin top and a leather jacket. Max looks at from the corner of his eye, and smiles. 'While you're here, you might want to buy some clothes. There's a pretty good outdoor shop near where you're staying.'

The last thing Piper wants to do is buy  _clothes_. 'Where am I staying?'

'Cecelia always gets the best hotels.' It doesn't make sense to Piper why he still refers to Alex differently when they're no longer in public. But she says nothing. 'A quiet place. It's called Hotel Fabian. You're going to love it, Miss Ashby. Unfortunately, Cecilia was in a rush when she booked the hotel with me over the phone, so you're both sharing a room.'

'Okay.' Piper frowns to herself, unsure why that is unfortunate. As if she gives a shit. 'Where is Al–– Cecelia now? When will she land?'

'In about two hours. I'll pick her up, and send her to you.'

A warmth rushes through Piper's body at the thought. 'Okay.'

'I was going to give her a good scolding when she arrived, but thought you might want to do that. She seems to listen to you.'

That makes Piper smile slightly. 'She listens to me when she wants to.'

'Huh. Sounds like Cecelia.' Max clears his throat, turns a corner. 'Nervous?'

'No,' Piper lies.

'I was.'

Piper glances at him, then looks away.

'I know she's a shit, but she's smart. She knows what she's doing.'

'She's not a shit,' Piper replies softly, gazing out of the window, in awe at the amount of snow. 'She's just–– she just handles problems differently.'

No response. Max continues driving, and they soon arrive at the hotel. It is a little isolated from the rest of the city, in a more quiet area which Piper appreciates. But it's a grand hotel, four storeys high, and could be mistaken for any regular flat if it didn't have the sign "Hotel Fabian" attached. Max steps out and Piper follows, inhaling sharply when she feels the biting gust of wind. Without further ado, they enter the hotel, and Piper sees a variety of plants and a welcome desk ahead. Max gets Piper's key from the receptionist and hands it over.

'Room fifteen. Upstairs.'

'Thank you,' Piper says, taking the key.

'My pleasure. Cecelia will be with you soon.' He smiles again, and then brushes past.

It's the last time Piper sees him. Acknowledging the receptionist, Piper proceeds for the staircase, and climbs up to the first floor. She passes a maid who greets her in Finnish, to which Piper awkwardly mumbles a "hi". Quickly, she reaches her room, unlocks the door and hurries inside. It's warm. Cosy. A double bed, small settee for two, table opposite the bed with a lampshade on. A landscape painting, and three tall windows, giving her a view of the city. Piper drops her bag to the floor, and immediately yanks off the wig. Her hair feels fluffy and refuses to sit. Piper pulls off the leather jacket, kicks off her shoes and enters the bathroom.

She strips down, turns on the shower, and washes everything away from her naked body. Grabs soap, a flannel, and scrubs. Scrubs her skin so hard she leaves red marks, and she scrubs every inch, jarring her teeth from how sore she becomes. Slowly, the blood peels away, and she tries her best to rinse herself from the shame and guilt. Tries her best to forget, to forget how the bullet went straight through his head, to forget how her next bullet stabbed him through the throat. Tries to forget how Alex was trying so hard not to cry––

Piper bursts into tears.

The flannel falls from her grip, and the soap follows. She wraps her arms around her body, gasping for breath after each heavy sob.

( _Finally, my knees buckle beneath me, and I lower myself to the floor. Water crashes onto me, and I raise my knees, hide my face in my hands. I can't stop crying. I try to keep breathing, I try to stay calm, but every time I so much as inhale –– so much as think of her –– my body shakes, and I start crying again. It's torture. The worst agony I've endured in my life, and then I stop trying. I stop trying and let my mind take me under. I think of Felix, his dead body, dead eyes. I think of Alex, the way she held me, yelled at me, let me go. I think of Larry, his disinterestedness, his sudden lack of affection towards me. I think of Polly, think how I'll never see my best friend ever again. I think of Nicky and Lorna, trapped so far away. I think of Mum, and then I think of Dad, and then of Cal and I know I have fucked up. For good. This time, I know I have fucked everything, and there is no going back._ )

Twenty minutes. It takes twenty minutes for Piper to stop. She rests her head against the tiled wall, rests, and then chuckles. Then, she's laughing. It feels horrible and wrong, but all she's able to do is laugh at what's happened. Jesus  _fucking_  Christ. Piper begins to lose energy, begins to weaken, and when the laughter ends, she switches off the shower, sits alone for a couple of minutes. When she's recovered mostly, Piper stands to her feet, snatches a warm towel on the side and dries herself. She pulls on the top and jeans Rachel gave her. Stands at the window, watches a few cars drive past, gazes at the snowflakes falling, how it delicately dances in the breeze.

She looks at the bed. Walks over and throws off the unnecessary cushions, before lying in the centre, staring up at the ceiling. Despite everything, she realises it's been over two days since she touched Alex, felt her breasts, pressed her body against hers, felt Alex whisper so many things into her ear. Two days ago, they had been lying in bed together, reading. Piper sighs, closes her eyes, and drifts off to sleep.

Her dreams are blank, empty.

What wakes her up is a knock at the door. Piper sits upright, hears the door open, and then close. Her heart is racing while she waits for Alex to appear. And when she does, Piper nearly gasps. Alex looks at her, face flushed from the cold, shivering, and the blonde hair suits her too well. And she's here. She's here. She's  _here_.

'Thank you for waiting,' Alex says, her voice slightly high-pitched.

It occurs to Piper that the same fears she was suffering were the same for Alex. 'I'm used to waiting for you.'

Alex exhales. Guilt passes over her eyes, and she falls back against the wall. Despite how much they want to hold each other, they stay as far away from each other as possible. Piper doesn't move, watches her quietly.

'You all right?'

'No.'

A nod. 'Yeah. Me neither.' Pulling off her blazer, Alex chucks it to the side and approaches the window. It still snows, and life keeps going.

Piper looks away from her, trembling. Studies her palms. For now, the blood has washed away.


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**

* * *

 

Piper hates the quiet. They haven't spoken in the last ten minutes, and she has a hunch the only reason Alex continues to stare out of the window is because she wants to avoid her gaze. In fact, she's sure Alex just wants to avoid her completely, and it makes absolutely no sense. Alex was the one who insisted they take two planes to Finland together. She was the one who got them into this shit; everything is her fault, and she has the audacity to not acknowledge Piper's presence. More than anything, Piper just wants to understand, she wants to  _know_  why Alex is behaving so  _distantly_. Why she outright refuses to look at her, to speak to her normally.

First, Piper feels upset. She's upset that she's trapped in this country with a woman who's acting so oddly around her. She's upset that she's thrown away her life, her  _good_  life, and pathetically obeyed Alex's commands, like a lost puppy. Like a silly, silly little girl. Piper scowls. She hates how nothing has changed, and she can't believe she's back here again. Destroying her life for the sake of making Alex fucking happy. Thanks to Alex, she's abandoned her family, abandoned her one opportunity in order to lead the life she wants.

That's when she grows angry. Fucking furious at the woman standing a couple of metres away. How dare Alex do this to her? How dare she put Piper through all of this? How fucking  _dare_  she? And how dare she not talk to her now? Not look her in the eye, and explain what the fuck she is planning.  _If_  there is a plan. Piper glares at her, starts shaking again, but not out of fear. She shakes in fury, and inside her body is on fire, bursting with flames, and she feels the heat rise through her chest, to her head, down her arms. For a moment, she hates Alex.

Fucking hates everything about her.

And when this hits, Piper suffers disappointment. She's disappointed in herself, because even if she hates Alex to bits, hates what she does and how she behaves and how fucking  _selfish_  and manipulative she can be, Piper is still in love with her. Deeply. She can't imagine enjoying a life without Alex in it, without Alex being a prominent element –– person –– in it. She can't imagine living without Alex, she can't imagine smiling without Alex and she can't imagine being with anyone else except Alex. And she's so disappointed in herself; so fucking disappointed she's stooped this low. But no matter how disappointed she is, the love doesn't fade, doesn't weaken.

It's this strong, powerful emotion which forces Piper to her feet, and lets her cut through the agonising silence. 'So?' Alex doesn't move. Piper comes closer, looks at her expectantly, then suddenly grabs her arm, pulls her forwards. It's aggressive, hard. Alex flinches, then yanks her arm out of her grip. They look at each other, and Alex's eyes are a storm. Piper is instantly mesmerised. Alex's eyes reflect everything in her mind, every emotion crashing inside her. It's a mess, a disarray of complications that she can't grasp.

Then she returns to looking out of the window, watching the snow fall. Piper jars her teeth.

'Fuck, Alex,  _talk to me_!'

No response, but she sees the corner of Alex's lips twitch in a snarl. Her silence is never good news. Alex is only silent when she's upset, or when she knows she's screwed up. Piper has a feeling it's both, and Alex's pain is doubled for her. But she's still raging, she still can't believe Alex can act this way after everything that's happened.

'What happens now?' Piper pushes. 'Is this it? We just keep running away from the police and that fucking drug lord you worked for?'

Alex stares at the window. Not through it. At it.

'Fucking say something, Alex. I deserve to know what smart-ass plan you have in mind––'

'I don't have a plan!' Her shout catches Piper off guard. 'Just...  _stop fucking talking_ , and let me think.'

'Let you  _think_? Alex, you had seven hours on a fucking  _plane_  to think!' No reply. Alex has returned to looking at the window again. 'You had your entire probation to think. You had eight  _years_  to think, and now, of all times, you believe it's appropriate to fucking  _think_? What the hell is wrong with you? What the  _fuck_  is wrong with you?'

She doesn't stare now. She glares. But she still doesn't offer a response.

'Alex, don't you dare ignore me.'

'I'm  _not_  ignoring you. It's hard to ignore your voice, it's so fucking annoying.'

'If my voice is so fucking annoying to you, then why the hell did you drag me into your shit again?'

This triggers something. Piper knows she's said too much, but she holds her ground when Alex whips her head around to look at her. The dark eyes shadow and blonde hair suddenly appear very intimidating, and Alex's height seems taller, she seems taller, she seems to  _tower_ over Piper without even trying and, for a second, Piper is scared of her. Alex's eyes are still a storm, but now she sees the damage and realises she doesn't mean what she said.

But it's too late.

'I didn't drag you into my shit,' her voice is deep, almost a growl. 'The only reason we're here,  _kid_ , is because I was helping you get your ass out of that psych ward.  _You_  came to me.'

Piper is quiet, but her expression is the least bit pleasant.

'That always happens, though, doesn't it?' She hates Alex's patronising, sarcastic tone. 'You always come back to me, and when things get too much for your pretty head, you run away. You place the blame on me, when you  _know_  you're to blame here.  _You_  came to  _me_. I never,  _ever_  came to you for anything, Piper. So don't fucking say I dragged you into this. You dragged  _yourself_  into this. I never forced you into anything.'

'Bullshit.' Piper's upper lip twitches. 'You told me to run away with you.'

'I was protecting you.' Alex scoffs, steps back. 'You're unbelievable. So  _fucking_  unbelievable! I should have seen this coming. You're right; I shouldn't bother trying to help you ever again, because I always fuck up. Every time, I fuck up. It's always  _my_ fault.'

'You got back involved with the drugs! I never said you had to help me either––'

'Oh yeah? What did you say to me over the phone? "Get me out of here"? You rang me, Piper, and you had every opportunity to ring someone else, like that fucking prick you're engaged to.'

'That fucking  _prick_  is called Larry and, for the record, we're no longer engaged, thanks to you.'

Alex gapes, then laughs. 'Thanks to  _me_? Wow. Okay,  _that's_  the best accusation you've said so far. Sure. Because of  _me_ , you and Jerry are no longer engaged––'

' _Larry_!'

'Do I look like I give a flying  _fuck_  what his name is?'

'You might as well, considering you can't stop obsessing over him.'

Alex stiffens. She doesn't glare, but Piper knows she's given up. Her shoulders slump, and she looks away, blinks, and her expression is blunt, dead. The window is her focus of attention again, but after a few seconds, she looks back at Piper. 'Fuck you.' Her lower lip quivers, and Piper feels her heart smash into pieces and it nearly makes her cry out in pain.

'Fuck me?' Piper rolls her eyes. 'That's the best you've got?'

'Yeah,' Alex says through gritted teeth.

'Yeah? Well, fuck you, too. If you hadn't come back into my life, I'd be happy. I'd be so much happier. I wouldn't be dealing with your shit and your shitty problems. I wouldn't have abused my furlough; I'd be back in prison finishing my time. Then I would be back home, safe––'

'With Larry?'

Piper wants to slap her. But, more than anything, she wants to slap herself. Wants to fucking  _hurt_  herself. She wants Alex to grab her, hurt her, punish her for being so awful. But she can't stop. She can't stop throwing insult after insult. Tears sting Piper's eyes, and she steps closer, and she only reaches Alex's nose, but she refuses to allow their height differences to bother her. 'Yes. With Larry. The man I intended to marry after you fucked me around.'

For a moment, Alex's cold exterior fades, and she widens her eyes. Looks at her so innocently. 'Do you still love him?'

No. She doesn't.

Piper only loves one person.

How is it possible to hate someone she loves so much? How the fuck is it possible?

A tear trickles down her cheek, but she doesn't wipe it away. She notices Alex's eyes follow the tear, then back to her eyes. Piper's sneer isn't directed at Alex, but Alex believes it is when their gaze meets. 'And what if I did? You going to dump me?'

'We aren't together, Piper.'

'What?'

'We fucked, sure. But that means nothing. You're even more pathetic than I thought if you believed what we did meant anything. We're not together. We'll  _never_  be together. I couldn't stand being with you  _in that way_.' Alex scoffs lightly, rolls her eyes, shakes her head. 'I've had enough experience to know you're the last person I want to be with.'

'You're lying.' Piper blinks, which triggers more tears to fall. She lets them fall, but she doesn't allow her expression to change. She braces herself, she's prepared. She's strong and willing to take this right to the very end.

Alex smiles crookedly. 'No. I'm not. You know what's fucking satisfying, though? The fact you wish I was.'

'You're a bitch.'

'Oh yeah? Tell me something I don't know.'

'Fuck you.' Piper steps back, runs her hands through her hair, refuses to let a sob break from her throat. 'Fuck you. Fuck you. Just––  _fuck you_ , Alex.'

'That's the best you got?' She mocks.

Piper roughly wipes her face. 'Go away.' She looks at her. 'Leave me alone. Go away.  _Go away_!'

'Gladly.' Alex snatches her blazer, pulls it on.

'Go find some  _whore_  to spend the night with! Let her deal with your shit.'

'All right,' Alex replies, far too pleasantly. She doesn't seem to care. Heading for the door, Alex looks at her over her shoulder, and her smile is cruel. Insulting. Her smile is fake, and sarcastic. Hateful. 'I will. I'd go for anyone other than you, frankly.'

'Fuck you!' Piper storms over, but Alex has already opened the door. 'Go fuck yourself, Alex Vause!' The door slams shut, and Piper is left alone.

Devastated, angry, and upset, Piper grabs a lamp and throws it at the wall. It smashes, and glass scatters across the floor. She's made a mark in the wall, but she doesn't care. Piper yells, whams her first into the cupboard, and then surrenders. The blonde moves to the bed, collapses over it, and pulls a pillow close, and for the next thirty minutes, she does nothing but cry. Lately, that's all she's been able to do, and she hates Alex for turning her into someone so pathetic. Piper's cries are furious, and she struggles against herself, inhaling sharply, holding her breath, clutching the pillow, the bed sheet. But she can't stop, she can't stop.

( _Gradually, pain courses through my body, and knots form in my stomach. I feel numb, worthless, and when I finally raise my head, I see it's getting dark. Slowly, I sit upright, and stare at the wall. I'm numb. So fucking numb I can't move. I let my mind torture me. I go over the argument I had with Alex again and again, repeat the words she said to me, the tone she used, and her smiles. Her sarcasm and horrible behaviour. Horrible. She was so horrible. Made me feel small, pointless, just a burden to her. I consider leaving. Just leaving._

_Maybe she'll prefer that. If I just left. Left and never came back. I can catch a plane to somewhere else, far away from her. I can make my own life. I don't need Alex. I don't need that fucking bitch to tell me what to do. I don't need her to make me fucking miserable either. I don't need her. I don't need Alex. I don't need her._

––  _But I do. Fuck, Piper. Fucking Hell._ _ **Fuck**_ _. What's wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I imply I might still love Larry? Why did I_ _ **push**_ _this? Why am I making things worse? Fuck. Fuck, why won't Alex_ _ **talk**_ _to me? Is she scared? Did me nearly getting shot effect her this much? Fucking Christ. Why won't she tell me? Why won't she acknowledge I'm a fucking person, too, who has emotions and worries? Why won't she talk to me like she used to? Not continue to look at me like I'm a fucking stranger._

 _Alex, you are killing me. You are_ _ **killing**_ _me_.)

The snow never ceases to fall.

( _I feel alone. Lonely. Abandoned._

 _Suddenly, I know how Alex felt all those years ago in Paris. I lean forwards, holding myself, and silently cry a little more. I feel so abandoned. But so fucking_ _ **pathetic**_ _. So_ _ **stupid**_ _. So_ _ **selfish**_ _. So_ _ **horrible**_ _. I am awful. I am_ _ **awful**_ _. Doggett was right: I don't deserve to be loved. Fuck. Fuck. She was so fucking right. Fuck me. Fuck._ )

Then she's pulling on her leather jacket, and approaching the door. Piper wipes her moist face with the back of sleeve. She forces her legs to move. Locks the door. Moves. Moves. Walks. Dashes down the stairs, leaves the hotel. The jacket doesn't keep her warm. In seconds, Piper is shivering. The snow reaches just above her ankles. Blindly, she searches for Alex. She takes a right, passes several people, takes a left, then another left, then a right.

Nowhere. Alex is nowhere.

Piper bites down on her lower lip. What if Alex has already found someone she wants to spend the night with? Heck, she said it herself that she and Piper aren't together. What's stopping her? And Piper can't blame her. She can't blame her for choosing someone else. Piper searches for over two hours, and by the time she gives up, her cheeks are flushed, her ears are freezing and her body is in so much pain. Her feet are numb, stinging. She doesn't know if the pain from the cold or the pain from losing Alex forces her to return to the hotel.

( _Has she left me? Finally?_ )

When she reaches her room, Piper closes the door, slides down it and meets the floor. She leans her head against the door, waits. Regrets. Hates. Loves. But she doesn't cry anymore.

( _Come back. Come back. Please, come back to me._ )

An hour passes.

Piper stands, approaches the window.

Ten minutes pass.

She strips off her jacket. Glances at the time. It's getting late. Piper sits on the edge of the bed.

Another twenty minutes go by unnoticed.

When it's eleven in the evening, Piper knows Alex isn't returning. She tries hard not to cry. Piper feels numb, absent, when she removes her clothes, crawls into bed in just her underwear. The sheets are cold, and the double bed is too big for her. She rolls on her side, looks at the time. She doesn't want to know where Alex is, if she's in bed with another woman by now, or going to be. She doesn't want to know.

Piper keeps her eyes open. Despite the exhaustion in her limbs, she can't sleep. She doesn't want to sleep. A ball forms in her throat, and she nearly starts crying again. Piper rolls onto her back, pulls at her hair, jars her teeth, growls, inhales, exhales. She's angry again, but she regrets everything. Regrets everything. Right now, she just wants Alex here, to hold her. She wants them to get over themselves. All they have left is each other.

Sitting upright, Piper stares into the darkness. Then gasps lightly.

( _She's all I have left_.)

Flicking on the lamp, Piper pulls on her t-shirt and approaches the window. It's still snowing, and she lazily watches the flakes float in the breeze. The street lamps create such a beautiful, warm atmosphere, and she sees several people, usually alone, walk down the streets. Before she knows what she's doing, Piper dresses herself again and leaves the hotel. She feels invisible in the dim light, walking through the snow, allowing the chill to freeze her.

Helsinki is gorgeous at night. Despite everything, Piper has to admit she loves the city.

A shop is still open, and she orders a hot chocolate to take away. She sips her warm drink, continues walking, and reaches a bench, overlooking a part of the city. All she can see is snow though as she sits down, leaning back, drinking her hot chocolate every now and again. She manages to ignore the cold after a while, and simply enjoys the silence, the isolation. But by the time she's finished her drink, Piper is plummeted back to reality again.

Two dead bodies. Corpses. And blood.

Waiting for her family to see when they visit home.

The police will know it's Piper. Who else? They may link the murders to Alex as well, but Piper is definitely on the wanted list. Definitely a murderess. A woman with a heart of stone. Everything she isn't. Piper sighs. What has she transformed into? What happened to her? And why do these questions always prop up when Alex is involved? Why is it always Alex? Why does Alex always do this to her? Why does Alex make her question her morality, her life, everything?

Why Alex?

Why is Alex the one person who makes her  _think_?

Throwing away her drink, Piper shoves her hands into her pockets and walks a little further into the city. Snow melts in her hair, coats her arms and shoulders. As strangers go past, ignoring her presence, Piper realises just how alone she is. Somehow, someway, she has hidden herself away from the world. Become an irrelevant life. It doesn't upset her, really. She doesn't feel anything. She thinks it's about time; it's about time she felt irrelevant.

She deserves to become irrelevant.

That's when Piper finds her.

A bottle of cider in her left hand, a cigarette in the other. She's sitting on a bench. No one is keeping her company, except the snow. Piper stops, stares.

Oh God.

In a way, she wishes she hadn't found Alex. She wishes Alex had moved on.

Help Piper erase the pain.

But Alex is just inevitable. So inevitable. No matter how much they run away from one another, the string brings them back together.

Piper considers turning away. Leaving her be.

'––Alex?'

Of course she can't.

She sees Alex tense, but she doesn't turn to look at her; takes a drag from her cigar.

Piper's heart skips a beat. 'Are you smoking?'

The older woman stands up, and turns to her. Her expression is illegible. 'Yeah.' Alex approaches her, but Piper realises she doesn't intend to stay. When Alex starts to walk past, Piper grabs her by the arm, and refuses to let go even when Alex struggles out of her grip. '––the fuck? Piper, get off me.'

'No.'

'Get off me.'

' _No_.'

Alex clutches onto her bottle of cider stubbornly, and Piper know she's slightly drunk. How fucking irresponsible. How stupid.

'How much have you had?' She yanks the bottle out of Alex's hand. 'Is this your third? Fourth? Tenth?'

'The fuck are you? My mother?'

' _Alex_.'

'What?'

'Stop fucking around––'

'Oh, for God's sake, Piper! Give me a fucking break, yeah?'

Piper can't hold onto her when Alex roughly pulls out of her grip. 'I thought...'

'What? You thought  _what_?'

'That you'd left me!' Piper yells, her voice echoing the empty street. The bottle of cider falls from her hand, and lands in the snow.

Alex scoffs. 'Didn't you want me to?'

'I didn't mean what I said.'

'Really? So what  _did_  you mean, Piper?'

'Don't talk to me like that.'

'Like what? Like this? Sorry, babe, that's just the way I––'  _Crack_.

It's the shock which hurts most. Not the slap.

Piper is shaking, watching her. Alex's cheek is sore and red from the attack, and she slowly meets Piper's gaze. The sarcasm is gone. There's just an emptiness in her eyes.

Then, she inhales on her cigarette, and exhales the smoke in Piper's face, nearly causing the younger woman to choke. 'Has anyone told you that you slap like a girl?'

'Fuck off, Alex.'

A snigger. Alex places the cigar between her lips again.

Piper whacks her hand, and the cigarette falls to the snowy ground.

Silence.

They glare at one another.

But there is no hatred in their eyes.

'I can't believe you're doing this,' Piper speaks, her voice cracking. 'I can't believe you.'

'Neither can I. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking dragging you all the way out here, right?'

'Stop it. Just  _stop it_.'

'Stop  _what_?' The argument sobers Alex slightly, and the emptiness in her eyes fills again. 'What the fuck can I do, Piper? Everything I do just seems to piss you off!'

'That's because you're acting like a goddamn asshole!'

' _I'm_  an asshole?'

'Fucking hell, Alex...'

'What do you want me to do?'

'I want you to come back to the hotel, get into bed with me and  _hold me_!'

A frown. Alex watches her in disbelief; she's surprised, shocked. There is honest and genuine shock in her expression. Alex takes one step back, then turns around, and there's a pause. Piper waits, heart pounding against her ribcage. Waits for a response. For half a minute, there isn't one, and she doesn't understand. That's the core problem: she doesn't understand. And she wants to. She wants to desperately understand why Alex is behaving like this, she wants to know what's wrong.

When Alex turns back to face her, she sees anger, rage, a horrible, ugly rage which is not directed at her. 'I don't know what to do.' She jars her teeth. 'I don't know how to act around you anymore, Piper. I nearly lost you.'

Piper's heart stops.

'You nearly got shot. Fuck. You nearly died! And now? Now I'm too fucking scared to even  _touch_ you. You nearly left me. You nearly abandoned me again. All I'm thinking about now is how I can protect you, that's all I've been thinking about. When we were travelling here, I was so fucking scared. I was so fucking scared you'd get caught or shot –– I can't stop thinking about that dick holding a gun to your face. Do you know how fucking scared I was?'

No. She can't possibly imagine.

'You made me love you again. That's  _your_  fault. And then you nearly left me.'

Piper looks away.

'I know I fucked up. I got you out of that ward the wrong way, but I did it. I–– I do stupid things.' Alex shrugs, helplessly. 'I wasn't thinking about that, though. Just... I was just thinking about you.'

( _Stop. Stop_.)

'And that fucking terrifies me, kid.'

Piper is silenced. She shudders, but not because of the cold. The silence is gentle and soft like the snow, and, finally, everything makes sense. Piper feels nothing but shame, guilt. Oh, she's been so ignorant. So self-obsessed.

'We're fucked up, Alex.'

'I know.'

They watch each other in silence, and Piper's expression softens. Her hands touch her shoulders, arms circle around her neck, and Piper kisses where she slapped her. Kisses her there again, then her chin, her other cheek, forehead, every inch of her face, the corner of her lips, her jawline, then, finally, her lips. She tastes of cider, tobacco, and snow. Alex resists. Piper grabs her collar with one hand, pulls her closer, and kisses her so softly. Pulls away.

'Come back with me.'

( _I need you. You're my home. Come back. You're all I have left. We're all we have left.  
_ _Don't turn away now_.)

There's little hesitance.

Piper holds Alex's blazer, keeps her close. And together, they walk through the blur of snowflakes.


	4. Chapter 4

**4.**

* * *

 

They pretend to be strangers. When Piper slips into bed, it's cold and unwelcoming. The mattress dips slightly as Alex joins her. Neither say a word, and it's a silence that slowly gnaws away at Piper's hope. A hope that, possibly, they will be able to see eye-to-eye again, make amends, but Piper can't even look at her. What happened only moments ago has been ignored, desperately forgotten. Yet the slap still stings, the kiss still burns. Their arguments and cruel words are a constant torture twisting their minds and stealing away whatever light they are clinging onto. Things fall apart and they feel lost and alone.

A clock ticks. It's still dark. Piper is shivering. She lies on her side; they try and sleep far away from one another. So determined to not touch Piper, Alex's arm dangles off the edge of the bed, and she stares down at the floor; doesn't sleep. Piper tries to ignore her. She raises the sheet up to her chin, closes her eyes, does whatever she can to relax her racing heart, to stop herself from trembling. She wants to not care about the woman sharing the bed with her. Wants to wake up tomorrow morning and realise she no longer loves Alex, that she doesn't matter anymore.

For half an hour, Piper manages to rest. Her dream is vivid, and she dreams of snow, of darkness and a gunshot, slicing through the empty silence. When she wakes up with a start, the room is a little brighter, dawn is approaching. She's breathing heavily. Piper jolts, reaches over to the other side of the bed; it's empty. Cold. Gasping, Piper turns, wide eyed, scared that Alex has actually abandoned her. Yet the world seems to stop when she sees the other woman on a chair, a few inches from the bed. She's watching her, and her small, timid smiles makes Piper ache.

'Can't sleep.'

Alex can't sleep because of Piper, because of the girl sleeping beside her. She can't sleep because she's so fucking scared that if she even closes her eyes for a second, Piper will disappear. For some bizarre reason, Alex has made it entirely her responsibility to make sure Piper is safe, protected, away from harm. Initially, Piper feels insulted and belittled. She does not need protecting, and she sure as hell doesn't need  _Alex_  protecting her. But, she realises, it's not insulting. It's just sad. Just Alex's fucked up mind. It's just Alex coping with the guilt.

Sitting upright, Piper hugs her knees. It's so cold.

'What are we going to do?' Her voice is quiet.

This is a question Alex has been dreading. She sighs, and Piper's expression softens when she registers the exhaustion. 'I'm meeting someone later.'

'Who?'

'When I was in the drug ring, I did a lot of networking, and I met them through that. They'll help us find somewhere more permanent to stay.'

'Do they sell drugs, too?'

'Piper––'

Raising her hands, Piper makes it clear she doesn't want to start another fight. 'If they sell drugs, if they are in  _any way_  associated with your boss, I don't want you going near them.'

'I don't think you've noticed, kid, but we don't have a lot of options here.'

'There's always an option. There's always a second choice.'

And she doesn't know why she says it, why she scowls and hates her all over again. 'Like that time you chose Larry over me?'

It's unfair. Immature. 'It's ironic you call me "kid" when you constantly act like one.'

A horrible silence is filled between them, and neither women make an effort to break it. Piper glares at her, waiting for Alex to challenge her remark, but they're both so fucking tired. So fucking sick of the constant arguments. However, that doesn't erase the tension building, the undeniable fury they hold for one another. Piper catches sight of Alex's sore cheek from where she hit her. It's only temporary, but Piper hates looking at what she's done. The wound only reminds her of her temper, how selfish and cruel she can be. Alex wears that slap bitterly.

One of them sighs impatiently. Then Alex is on her feet. Piper thinks she's about to leave again, but, to her relief, Alex stays. Pulling open the curtain slightly, she watches the snow continue to fall. From where she sits, Piper watches her. Looks at what a mess she is, how she is such a fuck up, how she has managed to lead such a failure of a life. She is everything Piper is repelled to, everything she can't stand and has no tolerance for.

'Did you mean it?'

Alex flicks her gaze to Piper, but doesn't move. 'What?'

'When you said fucking me meant nothing to you.'

Deliberately, Piper tries to sound vulgar. Tries to make it clear Alex is the aggressor, she is the fucker in the situation, she caused the damage. And she knows she's only running in circles, triggering an emotion in Alex neither of them want to witness again. But Piper is so ashamed that she can't stop herself, how there is a moment in hurting Alex which gives her pleasure. It's sadistic, unhealthy and unloving. Nothing about this relationship is good.

Yet, neither walk away.

They stay. It's all they can do.

Alex is about to reply, but she stops herself. Piper tenses. The rage is building again, but this type of rage is different from earlier. This sort of rage is mixed with sadness, upset. Piper is upset. Not angry. Heartbroken at the very implication she means nothing to Alex. It's an overreaction, a conclusion she's jumped to too fast. But, surely, if Alex  _had_  been lying, she would have said so by now. She wouldn't be hesitating. Wouldn't be avoiding her gaze. Alex would be touching her, holding her; she would be her usual self.

( _The blonde hair suits her, then. Because I don't recognise her. I don't recognise this stranger in my room. I don't recognise this woman who refuses to look at me. I don't recognise this ugly voice, this distance. I don't recognise this misery, this lack of love, this lack of_ _ **everything**_ _. I don't know this person, and I have no desire to_ _ **get**_ _to know them. I want them gone. I want them out of my room, and I want Alex back._ )

Nothing. Not even a shrug.

There's just  _nothing_  from Alex. Clenching her fists, Piper's voice is a whisper in the darkness. 'Oh.'

It's when she hears the sheets being removed does Alex look at her. She watches Piper leave the bed, pull on her jacket, and stand still for a moment. It's too cold. Piper turns to her, and she does well to hide her emotions, but she can't fool Alex. She can't fool the woman who knows her best, and she can't fool the woman who loves her most.

Something pushes Alex. An invisible force. She steps forward suddenly, and Piper pauses, waits, but Alex finds her footing. Reluctantly, she pulls back. 'Are you leaving me finally?'

'I don't––' Piper exhales. '––Not yet.'

For now, it's good enough. Alex swallows. 'Okay.'

'I'm going out. I want to be alone. Away from you.'

The honesty is brutal, pierces her heart, but Alex has to appreciate honesty from the woman she's trapped with. She has to. 'Don't be long.' Her tone is blunt, emotionless, and Piper is the least bit comforted by it. They hold each other's gaze, and the mood drops the longer Piper waits. It takes a lot in Piper to turn around, open the door and leave. The moment she's gone, Alex feels a huge weight off her shoulders, but a horrible numbness trails up her spine to all over her body. She faces the window, watches Piper below, her eyes on her as the blonde walks up the street and then around the corner, gone. She tells herself that's it. Piper isn't coming back.

Clinging to the curtain, Alex inhales sharply. It has been so long since she last cried, and she has no intention to start again now. Funnily enough, the last person who made her cry was Piper. Alex isn't going to let that happen again. Not now, of all times. Piper doesn't deserve the tears, she doesn't deserve the amount of effort Alex is putting into making sure she's safe. Alex swears quietly. That isn't true. That's a lie. A rotten lie. A lie which cuts through her. Helping Piper through this is the least Alex can do, and she's doing such a shitty job at it.

Alex is caught by surprise when her mobile rings. She glances at the caller on the screen, and is relatively relieved to discover it's the person she intends to meet later. Their conversation is brief. The person on the other end wants to meet earlier. In half an hour. Alex doesn't ask why. They agree. After hanging up the phone, Alex shoves it into her pocket and pulls on her blazer. She hesitates momentarily, hoping Piper might walk in, and she can say she'll be out for a while. However, Alex doesn't have time to wait.

While she leaves, she hopes Piper won't steal this opportunity to run away. Not when Alex is so close to making their life as stable as possible.

* * *

 

She's gone.

Left.

Not a trace of her presence remains in the room they shared.

Piper lets the door hang open. It's nearly eight in the morning. Has Alex gone out to buy a coffee? Get breakfast? She instantly regrets leaving her. How stupid. How fucking  _stupid_. Piper sits on the bed, waits, stands up. She paces the room, and suddenly she's panicking, annoyed with herself and annoyed at Alex for disappearing. No, no. She hasn't disappeared. She hasn't left. She's coming back; she just has _business_  to attend to.

Business.

Fuck's sake.

Piper growls, runs her hand through her hair. She pulls open the curtains roughly. It's getting light. The snow has finally ceased. The sky is blue, pure. Puffy, white clouds. Everything is beautiful when it shouldn't be. She wishes she had her mobile, just so she could call Alex and ask where she is. She wishes she had her mobile so she could also contact her family, explain what's going on. But, deep down, she knows it won't be that easy. They will ask questions, challenge her, she will cause upset and even  _more_  disappointment.

Voices.

Two men are speaking. Piper tenses, turns to the open doorway.

Then she hears a woman. All at once, Piper feels a rush of anger and relief. She storms towards the entrance, and sees Alex proceeding down the hallway with two men dressed in suits. One is middle-aged, the other in his mid to late twenties. Piper is silent when they enter the room, and Alex holds Piper's gaze for a moment, before speaking. 'This is Piper Chapman.' Piper looks at her in astonishment. What is Alex doing telling these strangers her real name?

For now, she wisely says nothing. The middle aged man greets her. 'Hello, Miss Chapman.' It's odd that he has an American accent, considering they're in Finland, but she brushes it off. 'Alex wanted us to go over what we've been discussing this morning. Are you willing to hear?'

'I've got nothing better to do.' She avoids Alex's gaze.

'You're all over the news back in America, and it's only a matter of time until you're tracked here. This means you need to move. I understand this will be frightening for you, but the sooner you leave, the less risk there is of you getting caught.'

'Honestly, I'm surprised the police haven't identified me already.'

'We're not talking about the police.'

It's the younger chap. He smiles softly, sympathetically. Piper stiffens. No, they're not talking about the police at all. They're talking about Kubra and his henchmen. Piper nearly laughs. This is absurd. Bloody absurd and she's so tempted to just blame Alex all over again. Just to show how pissed off she is, Piper finally looks at her and glares. Gives her an expression of such disbelief, she  _knows_  it's hit Alex the wrong way.

Good. Make her feel guilty.

'So, because I shot two of his men, he wants to––?' Piper shrugs. 'What, kill me?'

'You'd be lucky if he just did that.'

From the corner of her eye, Piper notices Alex fidget.

'Okay.' Piper swallows. 'And what did you three agree on?'

'Nothing out of the ordinary. You'll be travelling further South in a couple of days. This might become your life –– travelling from place to place. Until things start to settle down.'

She exhales shakily. 'Can I contact my family?'

When she asks this, Alex looks at her. Piper doesn't dare read her expression.

But she already knows the answer.

'No. I'm sorry. But you can't risk it. For now, you can't communicate with them.'

For now. Meaning, forever.

Piper raises her brows. 'Oh. Okay, then.'

'We'll be in contact soon,' the man says, facing Alex. No other words are exchanged. Piper stares blankly as both men walk away, not at all bothered by what they just confessed. She inhales. Closes her eyes. Then, finally, it hits.

That's it.

That's it. It's done.

Piper can't run away. She can't go back home. The moment she shot her first bullet, she made her decision. She chose Alex. Without realising, she chose Alex over everything else. She foolishly threw aside her life for one person.

Oh, God.

Oh,  _God_.

Piper tries to catch her breath. Her heart is racing, and she approaches the window, inhales, exhales, inhales, exhales, inhales, exhales, too fast, too fast, her vision is blurry, she's dizzy, everything is so quick, too much. It's too much. She's lost here. She's stuck here. She's  _stuck_  here, and she didn't even have the opportunity to say good bye to her family.

She never had a chance.

A hand rests on her shoulder, and Piper flinches, makes the mistake of looking at Alex. Her expression is still illegible, but Piper can't stand the woman watching her. Because of Alex, she'll never speak to her family again, never see their faces. Oh,  _fuck_. Her cheeks redden, she's panicking too much, trying her best to cope, to get her head around what's happening, but her heart won't stop beating so fast. She can't stop breathing; she's breathing too fast.

Piper is hyperventilating.

When Alex holds her, she doesn't push away. She can barely stand. Piper grasps her top, clings, 'I–– I––' She cries suddenly, but it's short, it doesn't last, '––What have I done? This isn't–– This––' She inhales deeply, '––This isn't supposed to happen.'

'Shh.' Alex is calm, and her expression softens. Piper looks at her, and doesn't look away. Alex's eyes are warm, and so deep. 'Just breathe,' her voice is a whisper, and it's gentle, soothing, and she doesn't let her go. Piper focusses on her breathing, closes her eyes, listens to Alex's quiet voice, "breathe" over and over again. It's simple, too simple, but Piper latches onto every word, listens to only Alex's voice, only listens to her and only her.

Everything becomes background.

'What have I done?' Her breathing is still shallow, but has slowed.

Alex sighs softly. 'You did what you had to do, kid.'

'I shot two men.'

'I know.'

'How–– What's happening to me? What––?' Suddenly, she pulls out of Alex's grip. Tries to catch her breath. Nearly chokes. 'You.' Tears. She's crying again, and she's annoyed, angry. Piper pushes Alex away. 'Why do you keep doing this to me? Why–– Why do you keep doing this to me, Alex? Why won't you just let me go?'

Piper covers her mouth with her hand when she realises Alex is close to tears herself. The younger woman scrunches her eyes closed, wishes this is a horrible nightmare. She wishes she is back at Litchfield prison. Wishes everything is normal.

'I can't. I try to, but I can't.'

( _I run. I_ _ **run**_ _. But not far. I'm not capable of running far. I grab the door handle to the bathroom, open it, and rush inside, slamming the door behind me, locking the door. I inhale. Then, silently, burst into tears, slipping down the door and reaching the cold floor. I try to focus, try to see, but whenever I open my eyes, more tears threaten to pour, and it feels as if my body is about to tear apart. Agony sours from my spine, spreading across my arms, and I tremble, holding myself. I try to breathe. I try so fucking hard to breathe, to get a grip._

_Get a grip._

_Get a fucking grip._

_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale––_

_Alex knocks on the door. I bury my face in my hands. Alex says nothing, but I know she's still outside, waiting for me. But I can't look at her. I can't look at her expression, can't see the way she looked at me. I don't want to see her cry. I'm so fucking scared about seeing her cry it's ridiculous. But I'm terrified. Fucking terrified. Alex can't cry. Alex can't cry. She doesn't get to cry. She doesn't get to feel pain and cry at how_ _**fucked** _ _everything is._

_Inhale._

_Why does my life fall apart when I'm with her? Why does it feel like I've been losing little pieces of myself ever since she came back into my life? Why does loving her, wanting her, and seeing only her, break my fucking heart every second?_

_Exhale._

–– " _Don't you fucking leave me."_

_Inhale._

–– " _I'm here."_

 _Exhale_.)

The storm passes.

Piper calms down. She wipes her face. Stares at the wall.

Stands. Watches the door, then finally opens it. Alex is still waiting, leaning against the doorframe, and she looks defeated. Piper feels her body weaken.

Alex is sorry. She doesn't have to voice her apology, but Piper knows. Really, it's not her fault. Piper can blame her, scold her, make her feel like shit, but it's not her fault. They're both fuck ups. Idiots. Fucking idiots. Neither are to blame.

Two hands rest at either side of Alex's face. The scars from Kubra's henchmen are still visible. Faint, but visible. Piper's hands slip down, and she wraps her arms around the back of her neck, and hugs her. She feels Alex's arms come about her waist, and they hold each other carefully. Piper closes her eyes, inhales her familiar scent, welcomes her familiar warmth, and slackens. She rests against her, leans her head on her shoulder, loves her.

'Stay.'

Alex's embrace tightens.

'I'm not going anywhere, Piper.'

* * *

 

Breakfast is porridge and tea. Alex had gone down to collect their food, and brought it upstairs, preferring to remain hidden. Of course Piper had no objections. She agreed it was best they didn't risk anything. When she takes her first bite of oats, Piper realises just how hungry she is. It's been so long since she last ate something. Despite everything, she still has an appetite, and greedily downs everything in the bowl.

Afterwards, the two sit in silence. Alex in her chair. Piper on the bed.

For once, the silence isn't uncomfortable. It's quite pleasant.

Piper isn't expecting Alex to speak, and is surprised when she does. 'I hate these contact lenses.'

Groaning, Alex leans forwards and adjusts one of the lenses in her right eye. Piper has to smile a little. Sliding off the bed, she comes over and moves Alex's hand out of the way so she can examine the damage. She can see the lens isn't in correctly; it must have slid out somehow. 'You hate contact lenses full stop.'

'That's why I wear glasses. Ow.' Alex flinches when Piper tries to adjust the lens.

'Keep still.'

It's a challenge to stay still  _and_  not blink when Piper's fingertips are so close to her eye. However, Alex manages. Piper has a softer and more patient touch than her, and soon the lens is back in its proper place. 'Thanks.'

'You're welcome, four eyes.'

'Four eyes?' Alex cocks a brow. Piper smirks at her weak insult. 'Nice.'

Piper exhales, and her smile falls. She reaches over, curls a strand of blonde hair behind Alex's ear. Lets the back of her hand brush over her cheek, rest at her jawline, the pad of her thumb pausing, before trailing across Alex's lower lip. They're chapped. Alex isn't taking care of herself. She's been rushing around so much, all for Piper, and hasn't bothered to give herself a thought. It's a shock. Alex rarely thinks about others; she's lived her whole life putting herself first. Especially after the passing of her mother. To put Piper first, constantly––

To constantly put Piper first is a huge,  _huge_  change.

The smile is gone. Piper straightens a little, and holds the back of Alex's chair, before sitting over her lap. Alex's breath catches. She rests her hands on Piper's thighs, then at her hips, holding her there so she doesn't slip. They gaze at each other, silently, and Alex allows Piper's fingertips to caress her injuries, trail over where she slapped her last night. Piper's pupils have dilated, and her breathing is heavier, a little fast, but she's not panicking. She leans closer, the tip of her nose bumping softly against Alex's, closes her eyes.

'I don't want to fight you anymore,' she whispers.

Alex says nothing.

'I don't want us to be apart.'

One kiss. Then another. Piper presses further against her. Their lips touch again. And again. Again. They've done this countless times, and yet Piper feels dizzy, she can barely balance herself; she's already enduring so much pleasure, her body aches to be touched by Alex, and only by Alex. It's the first time in days since she's been able to kiss Alex, and not feel tense. Tenderly, they kiss another time. Piper moans softly when Alex pulls tenderly at her lower lip. Her hands at her waist move under her shirt, run over her bare back. Piper inhales sharply, shudders, holds Alex's face between her hands and kisses her deeply, passionately, longingly.

It's wrong.

Very wrong.

Piper knows she shouldn't be touching her, shouldn't be kissing her. She shouldn't be letting this happen. Alex is poison. She's ruined her life, and everything she's dreamed for. Alex has destroyed her, transformed her into a creature she doesn't recognise. It's wrong. It's so fucking wrong, but she can't stop. She pulls at Alex's hair, groans, her hand fumbling with the buttons to Alex's blazer. The first pops open, and Piper exhales into her mouth, jars her teeth, leans back when Alex kisses her neck, her lips sending shocks down Piper's spine right to her core.

Both freeze suddenly when they hear Alex's phone ring.

'Fuck,' Piper sighs, most disappointed.

Sheepishly, Alex retrieves her mobile from her pocket. 'Sorry.' Piper slumps forwards, pouts, and watches impatiently while Alex answers. 'Hello?' A pause. 'Ah, it's good to hear from you finally.' Somehow, Alex manages to sound completely professional and blunt despite their heated activity. Piper pulls a face at her while Alex continues to listen to whoever disturbed them. 'I understand. I'll meet you shortly.' Piper's heart falls at that comment. Alex hangs up. 'That was another friend of mine.'

'You're popular.'

'She's going to help us find somewhere more remote to stay. That way we won't have to move around so much.'

Piper blinks. 'She?'

'Yeah, she.'

'Oh.'

'She's straight, Pipes.'

'That never stopped you.'

Alex smiles crookedly and kisses her cheek. 'I'm not interested in her,' she whispers into her ear, nipping at Piper's earlobe, causing the younger woman to moan. 'Obviously.' Alex faces her again. 'But I have to go. So, you need to get off me.'

Sighing loudly and making it very clear she's not impressed, Piper reluctantly slides off Alex's lap. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Piper watches Alex fasten the button she fiddled with seconds ago. Alex glances in the mirror shortly to check her appearance, before turning to Piper.

'This is for your own good, kid.'

Piper smiles softly. 'I know. I just wish I wasn't such a damsel in distress.'

'You're not a damsel in distress. A distressing damsel,  _yes_ , but––'

'Shut up, Alex. Jackass.'

'Wait for me.' Alex reaches for her hand, and squeezes, before pulling away and approaching the door.

'Where else would I go?' Piper whispers.

The moment Alex is gone, the room feels darker, colder.  
An idea passes through Piper's mind, and she smiles to herself. The last thing she wants to do is sit around, feeling useless. By the time Alex is long gone, Piper grabs the keys to their room and locks the door behind her. Afterwards, she sets off into the main centre of the city, where the crowds and hundreds of faces will keep her hidden. Still feeling tingly, excited and even a little breathless, Piper searches for a specific item she intends to use later.

Whether Alex will appreciate the gesture or not is a mystery in itself.


	5. Chapter 5

**5.**

* * *

 

Midday arrives. Then sun is hiding for the day, and the snow is relentless. Piper returns to the apartment before the weather gets too aggressive, and she is pleased to discover Alex is back before her. However, her smile fades when she enters and Alex is on the phone, facing the window. Even though Piper can't see her face, she can tell she's stressed. Her shoulders are tense, and she keeps sighing impatiently, as if the person on the other end of the phone is causing her hassle. Or lacks common sense. Or is simply fucking stupid and Alex doesn't have the time to deal with their idiocy. Piper waits in the doorway.

Watching her, Piper realises she's made too many mistakes. Particularly about the woman going through so many lengths to keep her safe. It's obvious Alex isn't proud about what happened. It's obvious she feels guilty, she's trying to redeem herself. Alex rarely –– if ever –– needs to be redeemed. She's not the type to feel bad about her actions. She does what she does in order to survive. She's selfish to a fault; she thinks about what  _she_  needs before anybody else. That's her character. It's an ugly side of her, but it reveals so much about the complexities which race through her mind. Piper can't help but love that part about Alex.

That proud, damaged side she hides away. If she keeps wearing this mask of deception and lies, one day she won't be able to remove it –– it'll have attached to her skin. Removing that mask may just tear off her flesh in the process. Maybe it's too late to bring back who Alex was before the drugs, before Piper. Maybe it's too late for them to have a little happiness together. Maybe that sort of life was never available to them in the first place. Maybe they simply weren't meant to be.

It's a conclusion Piper has considered. Constantly. Always.

Right now, though, she doesn't have a choice. They have to stick together until they're certain no one is chasing after their tails anymore. All they have is each other, and walking away would just be foolish. Piper can't walk away. She can try, but she knows she can't. She's not that strong. She doesn't  _want_  to try. Doesn't want to think about it. A life without Alex is unbearable –– she doesn't want that.  _She doesn't want that, she doesn't want that_. Quietly closing the door behind her, Piper is silent. She's holding a small carrier bag, containing a couple of items she bought today.

( _Watching her is a mistake. Because watching Alex cling to the phone, bracing herself, sighing, snapping responses that make me flinch, causes guilt to flood through me. She's like this because of me. She's upset, angry and tense because of me. So absorbed in what she's doing, she hasn't even noticed me come inside. I want her to get off the phone. I want her to stop. Seeing her this way is frightening; seeing her this way reminds me what sort of person she is._

 _Reminds me I should stay far, far away_ ––)

Piper jolts in surprise when Alex whips her head around to look at her. She's shocked to see Piper has arrived. No, no, it's not shock. It's rage. Alex glares at her so furiously, Piper shudders, and she considers backing away to the door. Alex is mad at her, and she doesn't know why. What? What the fuck? Heart racing, Piper clenches her fists and waits for Alex to hang up. She has absolutely no right to be mad at her and she's so  _sick_  of Alex being angry.

The older woman finishes the conversation and throws the phone onto the bed. 'Where the  _fuck_  were you?!' She yells, and her voice is powerful, scary, bouncing off the walls.

'I went out.' Piper is horrified. Confused. She doesn't move.

Alex opens her mouth to speak, closes it, then laughs in disbelief. 'Jesus fucking Christ. I tell you to  _stay here_ , and you––' She tries to calm down, but she can't. '––you went  _out_? Perfect, Piper. That's just _fucking perfect_. Why don't you just dangle yourself in front of the police station? Don't worry, you'll be caught in no time, because screw all the efforts I'm making in trying to keep you fucking safe. What the hell is the matter with you?'

Now it makes sense. Relatively. Piper rolls her eyes. 'I'm not an idiot,' she snaps. 'I wasn't gone long, and no one saw me. Not that I'd let that happen. Please, after being with you for  _three years_ , I'm pretty used to keeping my head down.'

'Oh, God, don't you  _dare_  turn around and make this about me––'

'Maybe it is about you, Alex! Haven't you ever considered the very possibility that the only reason I  _keep_  getting into shit like this is because of  _you_! Okay, how about we name a few examples? Because I have many in mind right now––'

'You're going to start this, are you? Right now?'

Piper continues as if she never spoke, 'Hm, oh remember that time in Spain when you had me wear a headscarf because several rivals against the company you work for were after you? You tried to hide my identification and I couldn't take off that fucking headscarf for nearly a  _month_. I can't forget that time you had me deliver billions of dollars to Paris, either. That was the best one, Alex. I was scared for days, and  _that_  was the reason I was sent to prison. Because I  _helped_  you with your work––'

'It's just like you to see everything in black and white––'

'There's also the crazy ex girlfriend who wouldn't get off my  _back_ , until she was certain my car was no longer usable, ruined my porch with the  _shit_  she kept leaving behind, and even burnt down my kitchen. Don't fucking ask me how she got into my damn house while I was away. Fucking psychopath, but I guess she was the perfect match for you anyway, Alex. You're not exactly sane yourself with all the rubbish you keep getting caught up in.' Piper nearly chokes on a cry desperate to break free, but she keeps going. She's not about to back down yet, 'And  _this_.'

Alex looks away, and Piper can't read her expression.

'I came to you for help. To comfort me over the loss of my grandmother and–– and somehow, I still get dragged into your shit. I–– I don't know why you keep doing this to me. One day, I'm going to have a _bullet_  through my skull because of you.'

'Okay!' Alex is furious. She gets the point. She's livid, cheeks red, and she yanks off her glasses, 'Okay, so I'm the bad guy. Of  _course_  I am! Silly me, right? I mean, what a fucking depressing  _waste_  I've become because I can't do things  _right_. I can't live the way Piper wants me to live. There  _must_  be something wrong with me because it's  _me_  who keeps forcing Piper into my shit. It's always  _my fault_. Poor Piper has no choice. She never has a choice.  _I_  force her into everything I do.'

'Good. I'm really  _proud_  it's finally drilled into that thick skull of yours.'

'Fuck you, Piper.  _Fuck you_. I have  _always_  given you the option to run away. I knew a long time ago you couldn't take it. You couldn't handle what I did for a living, and I knew you'd scuttle off sooner or later. Hey, I guess I just didn't think you'd leave when my mother fucking died––'

'That was  _years_  ago! You're going to bring that up now?'

'You know what? Maybe I should, seeing as you keep bringing up what happened in the past too. Do you know what a fucking mess I was when you left me then?' Alex is trembling, struggling to breathe, and she can't  _stand_  the tears pouring from Piper's eyes. She can't cry. She doesn't get to cry. Fuck. Oh, fuck. 'You completely  _destroyed_  me.  _No one_ has hurt me the way you have, you ungrateful cunt. No one has fucked me around like you have. One minute you want to be with me, and the next minute you're accusing me of bullshit which  _you_  are the cause of.'

'I'm the cause of this then, am I?'

Alex cocks back her chin. 'You shot those men. Not me.'

Trembling, Piper jars her teeth, and feels hot tears stain her cheeks. She can't see Alex anymore; her vision is blurred, and she lets out a short sob. How can she be so cruel? 'I––' Piper runs her hands through her hair, exhales. 'I didn't mean to. He was––' She remembers the gun, pointed at her. She remembers. '––He would have killed me.' No response. Piper's vision is lost now. She wipes her eyes. 'I have lost _everything_ good in my life because of you, Alex. S–– Stop being so  _mean_  to me. Just stop it!'

'Why did you go when I told you to stay put, Piper?' She hates how unsympathetic Alex sounds, the fact Alex seems unnerved by Piper's crying.

Well, fuck her. Fuck her for not caring, for not understanding. 'I am not your lost puppy who does everything you tell me to do! I'm not your mule to groom. I'm not one of your  _kids_  you train and manipulate. So don't fucking talk to me like one!'

'I'm not talking to you like––' Alex growls. 'You are  _impossible_! I told you to stay because I'm taking care of you. I'm trying to protect you because I'm the only person you have left!'

Piper shakes her head, even though she knows it's true. 'I may not see them again for a while, but I still have my family and, believe me, they'd do a better job at keeping me safe.'

'Fuck off, Piper.'

'Fine.' She throws the carrier bag onto the ground. 'Fine, I'll fuck off.' Her lower lip trembles, and she sniffles, proceeding for the door. 'I'm fucking off, just for you. You're free now, Alex! Now you don't have to worry about me. You can just think about yourself because that's what you want!'

'No, wait, I have a better idea.' Alex grabs Piper by the wrist and yanks her away from the door. ' _I'll_  leave. Find a life somewhere far away from you. You can stay here, feel sorry for yourself. Get in contact with your family and get thrown behind bars again.'

'Fuck you!'

'Fuck  _you_! I'm sick of your shit. I'm sick of this.'

'You sound like a child!'

'And I'm sick of  _you_!'

Even though Piper cries, it does not reflect her fragility. It doesn't show who is the stronger one. If anything, Alex is less capable of handing the situation. She doesn't cry, but only out of pride, only out of some pathetic will to maintain her composure. Keep up this act she doesn't recognise or like. Hurting Piper is too much. Reducing the poor girls to tears breaks Alex's heart.

 _Breaks_  it.  _Rips_  it into shreds.

Then, Alex goes to the door, opens it, and slams it behind her.

Gone.

Piper covers her mouth with her hand, and cries harder, shaking. She's shivering, and she needs to be held, she can't survive alone. She doesn't want this. She can't handle this. Piper inhales sharply. 'Alex!' She runs for the door, ' _Alex_!' Opens it, steps out. 'Alex!' She's there. She hasn't left. Alex is just outside the door, against the wall, she hasn't left. She had no intention to leave.

They pull each other into a harsh embrace. Piper gasps, clings to her, and holds her tight, crying into her jacket. She hasn't gone. She stayed. She should have gone when she had the chance, but she stayed. _She stayed_. They want to apologise, want to admit how stupid they are, that they don't mean what they say, but they have no words left. They've  _abused_  words. Everything is so confusing, everything is so fucked up, and they are at a loss.

Piper's near death experience still shatters them. Still affects them in ways they can't handle. They're struggling to move past the fear of losing one another, and it's all too much. Too much for two people to contain. They can't do this, and yet they keep trying. Hopelessly. They keep trying, even when they know the outcome will be disastrous.

They won't win.

_Don't leave me, don't leave me, please, please, don't leave me to die._

Blood drips from Piper's hands. She can still smell  _death_. Can still see her crimes. Alex ushers her back into the room. They hold each other, and she feels Alex's lips on her neck, cheek, and there is something so  _terrible_  about it. Something so desperate, so dark and plagued by the way Alex kisses her. Their lips meet, and Piper moans, helpless, already submissive, already giving in. Alex touches her face, her neck, her breaths are shallow, weak, and Piper pulls gently at her hair, kissing her hard, passionately, angrily, and they kiss each other, mouths hot, wet, urgent, panicking.

They should not be doing this.

'Alex––' Piper whispers. Her coat becomes undone. 'Alex.' She cranes back her neck, allowing Alex to kiss from her jawline, downwards. She sighs, closing her eyes,  _needing_. 'Alex.' Her hands grab the hem of her top, and they're flustered and uncertain when it's lifted above her head. Alex presses her hand against Piper's breasts, and the blonde gasps, hisses between her teeth, wincing, and she lets Alex unclip her bra, lets it tumble to the floor. She lets Alex kiss her chest, the curve of her flesh which covers her heart, down to her tummy button, her abdomen.

When Piper runs a hand through Alex's hair, feels her palms run down her sides, tickle her, make her breathe harshly, pull down her jeans, encouraging her down onto the floor, Piper surrenders. Drops the blades from her sore hands, and gives herself to Alex. Gives every part of herself to Alex. Her passion is loud, fiery, and she doesn't hold back. Alex sucks on her left breast tenderly, kisses her sore flesh, then her jawline, her lips, and Piper hungrily kisses back, her tongue dancing with hers desperately trying to catch up. Trying to find some sort of stability, something to cling to.

Her body is marked. Bitten. Taken. Piper's chest rises in anticipation when Alex's finger trails up the entrance of her sex, and she moans loudly, grasping Alex's arm, and she feels something hot on her cheeks. It pinches her, and she realises it's tears. Her eyes are so watery she can't see anymore. And, suddenly, she wants Alex, wants Alex to want her, love her, to never let her go. She  _needs_  Alex. She decays when she's around her, she's  _broken_  around her, rotting away, but without Alex, there's nothing. There is nothing to live for without Alex; there is no life. There's  _nothing_.

" _We aren't together, Piper."_

She feels herself become undone, lets her hands fall when Alex pushes her finger further inside her.

" _I've had enough experience to know you're the last person I want to be with."_

The friction causes heat to rise in her body, and she whimpers, but doesn't want Alex to stop. She releases a breathy moan, arches her back, spreads her legs, offers herself to her. Alex kisses the corner of her mouth, then her lips, and Piper is weak and tired beneath her, wanting. It feels perfect, the way Alex pushes into her, knows where to touch her, but Piper can't last. She won't last long and she feels so ashamed and guilty when she cums, desperately holding onto Alex, clinging so hard she causes her flesh to bleed.

" _Did you mean it?"_

Maybe it's a form of revenge, maybe it's cruelty, but Alex doesn't relent. Her tongue is  _scolding_ ,  _burning_  as it rubs against her, and Piper is writhing, struggling, crying.

" _What?"_

" _When you said fucking me meant nothing to you."_

A gasp. Warmth floods through her, and she smiles a little when she finds her release, and it's as if the world has stopped, paused, held its breath for this moment. Piper presses her heel into Alex's shoulder, and relaxes, moaning softly, recovering, dreading for more taunts, teases,  _torture_. They kiss, and Piper tastes herself, and her heart races, pounds against her chest.

'––I love you.' The words slip. It's so unforgivable, but Piper doesn't care. 'I love you.' It's the most truthful thing she's said. 'I love you, Alex. I love you.'

She's quiet. Possibly stunned. Possibly uncaring. Piper forces her hand into her trousers, finds her sweet spot and pushes, rubs, knows what to do, and yet she's still shy, hesitant, unsure, confused, helpless. Alex stiffens, her breath is a caress against Piper's body; so real, so awful, so wonderful. Alex is engulfed by her and Piper's hands grip her like a woman possessed. Alex finds her again, they find  _each other_ , _together_ , and they move together, as one, finally able.

Still, everything is messy. Rushed. Frantic.

_"Why do you feel so inevitable to me?"_

Alex presses her forehead against Piper's shoulder, bites down on her lower lip so hard she tastes blood. She hears Piper moan again, hears her break away, breaths ragged, hot, and Alex is filled with shame and horror. Piper is sprawled against the floor, naked, her back victim to the rough carpet beneath, damaged, her clothes thrown to the floor so ungracefully. And all Alex can think about is that she deserves so much more,  _she deserves better_.

They don't require much longer, and a wail breaks from Piper's lips when they come to a shuddering halt together. All the pieces fall, and Alex is overwhelmed, her toes curling against the ferocity of this moment. She looks at her then, looks at those pure, blue irises and nearly cries. Because nothing –– no one –– has ever looked so beautiful and ugly in her life. Nothing  _kills_  her more than this.

She breaks apart from their embrace. Eyes clouded with tears. Piper's fingertips drift across her bare arms, over her chest, and she's lost.

'I love you.'

It's a sin. A poisonous sin which neither can forgive each other for.  
Yet the weight of the confession is so heavy, too heavy.

Piper loves her. Unconditionally. Piper loves Alex so much –– it will lead to her inevitable, cold, silent fate.


	6. Chapter 6

**6.**

* * *

 

'I want to show you something.'

Piper is fragile, shaking and cold. Vulnerable and it is a shocking, frightening sight. No explanation is provided. She reaches over to grab the bag she brought in not long ago, before turning to Alex, holding her hand, tangling their fingers together. It's a brief pause in the constant waves of anger, shouts and pain. They look at each other, and there's solace, a little light in the dark depths of Piper's eyes which Alex hasn't seen in so long. Piper is open to her. Naked, flustered, cheeks still flushed from their lovemaking. A frantic, desperate attempt to untie the knots, let the tense atmosphere between them break away.

Nothing is clear yet.

Maybe nothing ever will be, but they try. They  _are_  trying.

Alex is confused when Piper escorts her to the bathroom. Together they peel away their last few remaining clothes, flinging them aside carelessly. Piper steps into the shower, and encourages Alex to follow. Neither say a word. Hot water sprays across their bodies, and, instantly, Piper feels a sense of relief. She inhales, exhales, and then presses herself against Alex, listens to her heart, constant. And it terrifies her how  _easily_  her heart can cease beating, it terrifies her how easily, effortlessly, everything can stop. This woman ––  _person_  –– in her arms is as equally vulnerable as she. Anything can happen.

The blood trickles away, down the drain. Alex's palms are soft against her back, help wash off the heavy, red liquid which Piper can't erase. Kisses her jawline, neck, and they are such innocent, warm kisses, Piper struggles to remain standing. Her knees buckle, and she gasps, holding Alex tighter. Each second passes with an apology. Continuos apologies which neither can voice. They are sorry.

They are sorry, and they want to start again.

It's naïve, foolish. But they have little choice. They  _want_  little choice. Their focus has become each other –– everything else is merely forgotten. Right now, all that matters is  _them_. She. Her. And it's all that ever _will_  matter. Piper is tired of fighting, tired of battling her thoughts, tired of every trauma thrown at her. She's given up. She's forfeited, surrendered, and nothing,  _nothing_ , has felt more wonderful.

She chooses Alex. Even after everything, she chooses Alex, because she knows she cannot walk away. She knows she cannot  _live_  without her. She knows this, and she's too weak to try otherwise. She can't. She can't possibly try. This choice is certain. This choice is dangerous. She knows her life is dependant on this woman. She knows all she has is Alex to keep her safe, but she chooses Alex. Whatever happens, she will  _always_  choose her –– and, in a way, she always has. Their fates are inseparable.

After a while, Piper retreats from their embrace, and the cold is a shock to her skin. She wants Alex to hold her again, but, first, she has another motive in mind. Inside the bag is a small box, containing a tube of hair colour remover. Alex identifies the object before Piper opens it, but before she can say a word, Piper covers her mouth with her hand. 'Shut up. Don't say anything. Let me do this.'

It's bizarre, taking commands from her, but Alex reluctantly stays quiet. A childish smile graces Piper's lips as she squeezes the dye remover into her palm, before scrubbing it into Alex's hair. Naturally, her girlfriend isn't too pleased to be given this sort of treatment, which only makes Piper smile wider. Alex rolls her eyes, and waits for Piper to finish. And yet, there's something so domestic, so natural and  _nice_ about this. Here are they are, in a shower, and Piper is washing out Alex's dye. It nearly makes Alex laugh, because the fact they can switch back and forth is miraculous, terrible.

But only leaves her convinced there's no one else she'd rather be with.

Alex never abandoned Piper after their small argument. She had been mad at her, but she didn't walk away. She threatened, but she bluffed. It's as if Piper has her chained down, imprisoned her, and even if they snap, fight,  _hate_  each other, there is no other life they'd rather have. No other life they can imagine. Maybe Piper and Alex are simply meant to be alone. But they refuse to accept that; not right now.

The blonde colour washes away. It's a reflection of the blood Piper has been desperate to remove, and she's so happy, delirious, when she has Alex the way she knows her. Remembers her. Once the dye is gone, Piper runs a hand through Alex's hair, and the smile falls slightly. They return to embracing one another, and the heat from Alex's body bounces off, coating Piper like a blanket, and they fit together so well. Like missing pieces who have eventually found the other again, after so many years.

'Did you plan all of that?' Alex queries, twitching a smile.

Piper rests against her. 'Sort of. I didn't plan on you doing what you did, though. Guess that was more of an afterthought.' She sighs. Shudders. Piper scrunches her eyes closed, and wishes away every negative emotion coursing through her. Yet it lingers. Taunting. 'I don't want to do this anymore, Alex.' She feels her stiffen, and so holds her tighter, clinging.  _Don't run away_. 'Hating you. Is exhausting. Fighting you is killing me––' Her voice catches and she levels her gaze with Alex's, '––I don't want to do this anymore.'

Honesty. Brutal, like stabs, constant stabs. Alex has nothing to say. They kiss once. A small, soft kiss which speaks so many words. Alex flicks off the shower. Instantly the chill of the room nips at their naked forms, and she reaches out to grab a towel, passes Piper one than herself. She dries, then rubs the towel over Piper's shuddering body, drying her too, and it's the same natural, effortless cycle again. No one yells, screams, mocks. They help each other do the simplest of things.

'I can dry myself.'

'Yeah, right.'

She sees Piper for what she is: hurt. Bruised. The affects of the shooting still damage her, and she needs help. A hand to hold –– she has to keep going, but she can't keep going alone. Maybe Alex has helped her in all the wrong ways. Maybe Piper doesn't need to be dragged from country to country. Maybe she just needs to be held, comforted, maybe she just needs what any  _normal_  person needs: someone to love her.

Hold her at night, keep her warm, remind her again and again ––  _You are good. You are a good person. You always have been._

 _And I'm staying here. With you. Right to the bloody end_.

They fall under the sheets. Snow dances from the sky. Everything is the same. Nothing has changed. Yet the room is lighter, cosier, and Piper inhales Alex's familiar scent –– registers a hint of tobacco, the smell of the dye removal, remnants of a perfume she usually wears, and then there's  _her_  scent. Sweet, intoxicating, delicate –– a scent that can be eradicated with a simple wave of the hand. Forgotten. No traces left. Piper doesn't move, lying beside her. She doesn't move, afraid she may damage what is before her.

Everything is still healing.

And it all takes time.

Piper hears the sound of a bullet.  _Bang_. Then another.  _Bang_. Two bullets. Two dead mean.

Deaths she, herself, composed.

It's the sensation of Alex's arms moving around her waist which brings Piper back to reality. The memory oozes out of her mind, and she turns her attention to what matters. Alex is dozing, resting, and Piper doesn't disturb her. Hesitantly, Piper's finger trails across the curve of Alex's cheek, over the bridge of her nose, the corner of her lips. She's pale. Extremely pale –– sick. Alex doesn't look healthy, plagued by what has happened, plagued by what  _is_  about to happen. Ruined by Piper, what she's done, how she makes her feel.

Several minutes pass, and Piper thinks about everything. About her family, about Larry, about Polly, about Nicky, Lorna, about the prison itself. She thinks about the men she shot, the blood, the repercussions. She thinks about Alex, the poison and  _venom_  drowning in her eyes, the cruel,  _horrible_  words she spat at her, the constant,  _constant_  fights. How Alex deliberately hurt her, how Alex  _deliberately_ made Piper's life a living hell. Then she thinks about  _this_ ,  _now_. She erases every second, and considers  _what is now_.

Something clicks.

A revelation. A decision.  _Something_  clicks, like a key turning in the lock.

Safe, with only Alex to watch over her; with only  _Alex_ , is all Piper has ever dreamed of. All she's ever thought of, wanted. This, right now, is the type of life Piper attempted to create for them. The drugs are nothing but a nuisance, an irrelevant fracture. Alex has walked away from her career for Piper. Given herself to her.  _Really_  offered herself to this woman, and Piper knows Alex never walks away from anything for anyone. She knows this is special, she knows she's been granted a very rare privilege.

'––I'll follow you anywhere.'

Set in stone. Cemented down. Piper is certain. She has never felt more certain in her life. There's no escaping Alex, there's no escaping who she is, what she is. And Piper would not have it any other way. She'll follow Alex further South if she has to. She'll live anywhere if she has to, she'll do what she's told if she has to. She'll stay. That's  _her_  choice: she will stay. Her love for Alex weighs at a heavy cost, but she is willing to pay the price. This is her life. This is her. This is  _Piper Chapman_ , and she wouldn't have it any other way.

Her body still trembles, still aches from Alex's tongue, her hands, her kisses and possessive, violent love, but she knows.

That's enough. For now, that's all she needs.

( _I see her smile, and everything falls into place. She opens her eyes, and I see the danger, the uncertainty, the unplanned, foolish,_ _ **fatal**_ _life waiting to embrace me. And I want it all. Every last second. It's taken me a while –– too long –– to realise. I know I'm making a mistake. I know I shouldn't be here; I know I should have walked away years ago. I know I should never have come back to her. I know I should not love her, I know I should not be with her. But she is what I want, she is all I've ever wanted._

_So I stay. I lie beside her, drink in the thrill, and shudder, amazed, shocked, and when she kisses me, I can't help but smile too. It's a quick instant. The anger, hatred, guilt –– it disappears, and my shoulders are free from the heavy weight of my decision. I feel alive. Heat rushes through my body and I sigh, push myself against her, and let each tiny pieces fall into its proper place. I forgive her._

_I forgive her._

_Then she whispers, softly, into my ear: 'I love you, too.'_

_An echo of my own confession. A promise. A beautiful, scarring devotion I cannot fathom, but am willing to hold onto. I have it no other way._

_We smile. And it's really that simple_.)

* * *

 

end.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is quite special to me. Without a doubt, one of the best pieces I've produced. I'm not saying it's perfect –– in fact, far from it –– but from what I've written, I'm very proud with how this came out. There were multiple ways I could have ended this. Originally, it was meant to be longer. However after a long thought, I didn't want to drag it on. I wanted you to imagine what happens next. This story was focussed a lot on the abusive relationship between Alex and Piper. I refuse to accept it is a healthy love, but it is certainly inevitable, which makes it so tragic and beautiful. I also went into depth with Piper and Alex's psychology, particularly Piper's. After all, I refuse to accept the fact she can brush off two murders as if it's nothing. To me, this story was all about these two coping with what happened and finding a way to move on.
> 
> To view my stories on fanfiction, copy/paste the link: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4530312/


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